Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A Content Heart...

I missed the second two weeks of blogging about OBU, but hopefully I'll get those posts in later! I have really missed writing. It's not that I feel especially good at it, but it is an outlet for me, I think. I've missed it, so I am going to try hard to make time to keep my blog going!

I've been struggling with a content heart in some areas lately. First I need to list some of the many blessings God has put into my life lately - I am SO amazed when I try to count them...they are too overwhelming.

-I have a job...even when it is tough and challenging (every day) I have one.
-God sent a close friend here this year and we were able to be roommates and share an apartment. It is so nice to have someone to talk to, even if we don't get to see each other 100% of the time. My roommate is a Christian, and inspires me every day to strengthen my walk with Christ.
-I have family close by...even though my parents just moved to Germany for three years. It is so hard to have them far away, but my grandparents, aunt and uncle, and siblings all live within one-two hours driving distance, so what a blessing that is!
-I get to work with kids every day...even when it's challenging. God has given me a heart for kiddos.
-My parents have an American phone number...I can call them, even when they are across the world.
-I have a group of friends at work now. We are hanging out and planning fun things to do together regularly...and that alone can make the challenging days much better.
-I have the opportunity to go to school again...and to pay as I go instead of taking out more loans. (At least this semester...still praying about Spring - I'm taking one class now, but would like to take two then.)
-I've been leading music at my home church - it is such a joy to be there and be loved by the people I grew up with...but it is hard not to have my parents while I'm there.
-I've been getting lots more rest...I live in the community where I teach again instead of commuting 45 minutes each way every day. It feels like I have all the time in the world!
-I have a Creator who made me in His image, a Savior who loves me unconditionally, and a promise of hope, peace beyond understanding, and eternal life with Him!

So how then can I be discontent? I often lose sight of these daily things God has given me and focus on what others have. I put my selfish desires in front of myself instead of trusting in God's plan for me and His purpose for where I am now. It is hard to see friends getting married, and those who have been married for a few years now having children of their own. I sometimes wonder when God is going to introduce me to the man He has for me to spend my life with. I am enjoying this time in my life where I am single and have only myself to think of - lots of opportunities to travel and have fun, but I also long for that time when I will have a husband and a family of my own. I question whether someone will ever see me in that way. I cover my eyes and fill my mind with thoughts that I must have something wrong with me or maybe I'm in the wrong place, or any million other things I can think of...and while I know it's not true, that doesn't make it easy.

I'm being honest. So my prayer today is that God would fill my heart full again. I want to be full and overwhelmed by HIS love. I want to dance and rejoice in HIS promises. I want to be content in HIM and to know THAT is enough. It won't always be easy. It will take work. And it will take commitment and desire. But I desperately long to fall into His arms and experience true contentment and joy that can only come from the One who knows me better than I will ever know myself. I think it's only when I am fully content in HIS love that He will allow me to experience the earthly love and union of someone else.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." -Hebrews 10:23

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