Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Letting go...

My heart is hurting....really hurting. It is like something was so close...I was about to reach out and grab it, and then, someone tore it away before I could. I know that's not how it really is - but that is how I feel. I think it's ok and even healthy to say I'm a human, so of course my heart is hurting and disappointed.

But I think how I deal with that hurt is where my test of faith comes in. I can simply give up on the dream, say it's gone, and choose to forget about it. I can complain and be angry and try to find my own solutions. I can blame the company, the doctor, or myself. Or.....I can let go and let my God. I have always heard that phrase, "Let go, and let God..." but I've never really thought about it before.

Realizing that this dream, though it was mine, does not really belong to me, has been something tough and scary. You see, if it doesn't really belong to me, if I truly believe it belongs to my faithful God who gave me the dream and desire, then I must also choose to let Him hold the dream in His hands at the same time it is in my heart. It's a tricky thing, that part. But when I am ready to fully let go, and say, "God, this dream is yours. You have given it to me, and put it in my heart, just for me. But now I give it fully to you and trust you to use it how YOU see fit. WHEN you see fit. Whether it is this year or years down the road..." I know He will take it, as He has all along, and give me a peace about walking in His will and plan. It is so hard for me to picture or fathom or understand right now.

I long to acknowledge this dream belongs to God, and I know He is good, and He would not have put a passion and desire in my heart that He was going to leave there for nothing. At the same time, it is hard to let go. In my mind, I think, "God...this is MY dream. I was ready. I was going to follow this dream, and I was going to serve you with all my heart. I wasn't going in a bad direction or trying to misuse the desires you've given me. I had a plan for this dream. Didn't you know that?!" (That just makes me laugh a little....of COURSE He knew that...) But again, faith is trusting in what we can't see. What we can't understand. And that takes trust. And work. Every matter what the situation is.

I'm working on the letting go part...I know I'm almost there. I'm probably working too hard at trying to hang on. I think so much about, "But what if giving it back to God means I don't get to go now OR soon?" Well...then God has other wonderful ways to use me I can't even imagine right now because my mind is narrowed in on one thing. I may have to pray every day to let go and tell God this dream is His...but I know He is waiting patiently.

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act." - Psalm 37:4-5, 7 NLT

A friend I know writes, "Pray your dream" at the end of her e-mails. And it makes perfect sense now. I have spent a lot of time saying my dream. But God wants me to pray it. Here I am God...ready to let go....ready to trust....and needing your help every step of the way.


  1. Ah, it's sooo hard Alicia! You have been on my mind and heart a lot lately. I have been questioning things FOR you! I've been thinking to myself, and having conversations with God that go something like this:

    Imagine how much faith and trust it took her to step out and say, "I'll go"...and now it's not going to least not right now. I pray she doesn't lose heart or faith that You have marvelous plans for her. I can't imagine how this set back is hurting her heart. Please comfort her and allow her to see a small glimpse of why You said "wait".

  2. Ashley, thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging words! And of course you know what it means to pray your dream! To know how much others have been thinking about and praying for me lately has been so humbling, and God has reminded me of that every day through words of others, and support. Your heart to seek Him and follow Him is such an example to me and to others, and I am thankful He has allowed me to reconnect with you over the past year!

    I think the hardest part for me is....what now. I feel like God may be asking me to step out in faith in another way while I wait. I have had a really hard year at my job, and though my stomach hurts when I think of giving it stomach also hurts when I think about keeping it. There are so many other desires God has given me, that I haven't taken the chance to pursue, because I have such a comfortable place now...and I know I am provided for. So...even though I don't understand it at all - I know He is here. He is so patient, and He understands. I know he doesn't want me to feel miserable where I am at, and I think, even if I do have to wait longer and this program is not a part of His plan after all...He wants me to do something I find joy in every day. I go - lots of prayer, lots of trust, and lots of..."options." Which overwhelm me in a whole new way, but thankfully I'm not on my own! Praying My Dream...Alicia

  3. Alicia,

    You are the sweetest! I am honored to know you! I am also very curious as to what the other "options" you are considering are...!!!