My heart is hurting....really hurting. It is like something was so close...I was about to reach out and grab it, and then, someone tore it away before I could. I know that's not how it really is - but that is how I feel. I think it's ok and even healthy to say I'm a human, so of course my heart is hurting and disappointed.
But I think how I deal with that hurt is where my test of faith comes in. I can simply give up on the dream, say it's gone, and choose to forget about it. I can complain and be angry and try to find my own solutions. I can blame the company, the doctor, or myself. Or.....I can let go and let my God. I have always heard that phrase, "Let go, and let God..." but I've never really thought about it before.
Realizing that this dream, though it was mine, does not really belong to me, has been something tough and scary. You see, if it doesn't really belong to me, if I truly believe it belongs to my faithful God who gave me the dream and desire, then I must also choose to let Him hold the dream in His hands at the same time it is in my heart. It's a tricky thing, that part. But when I am ready to fully let go, and say, "God, this dream is yours. You have given it to me, and put it in my heart, just for me. But now I give it fully to you and trust you to use it how YOU see fit. WHEN you see fit. Whether it is this year or years down the road..." I know He will take it, as He has all along, and give me a peace about walking in His will and plan. It is so hard for me to picture or fathom or understand right now.
I long to acknowledge this dream belongs to God, and I know He is good, and He would not have put a passion and desire in my heart that He was going to leave there for nothing. At the same time, it is hard to let go. In my mind, I think, "God...this is MY dream. I was ready. I was going to follow this dream, and I was going to serve you with all my heart. I wasn't going in a bad direction or trying to misuse the desires you've given me. I had a plan for this dream. Didn't you know that?!" (That just makes me laugh a little....of COURSE He knew that...) But again, faith is trusting in what we can't see. What we can't understand. And that takes trust. And work. Every day....no matter what the situation is.
I'm working on the letting go part...I know I'm almost there. I'm probably working too hard at trying to hang on. I think so much about, "But what if giving it back to God means I don't get to go now OR soon?" Well...then God has other wonderful ways to use me I can't even imagine right now because my mind is narrowed in on one thing. I may have to pray every day to let go and tell God this dream is His...but I know He is waiting patiently.
"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act." - Psalm 37:4-5, 7 NLT
A friend I know writes, "Pray your dream" at the end of her e-mails. And it makes perfect sense now. I have spent a lot of time saying my dream. But God wants me to pray it. Here I am God...ready to let go....ready to trust....and needing your help every step of the way.