Shy...Who Me?

If I had a dollar for every time I was labeled "shy," "bashful," or some other similar word...I might be a slightly rich woman.

Oh yes. I, myself admit that I probably am "shy." I guess, like most people, it varies by setting. Obviously with family and friends I can talk until the sun goes down...and comes back up again! haha And I can certainly be pretty goofy. (Just ask my fabulous older sis about the "laugh-cry") In a group of people, once I get to know one or two, I am comfortable.

I used to not (and still sometimes don't...) approach people because I think, naturally they won't want to talk to me. I'm quiet and awkward. Years of experience have led me a little more to the far-side of this opinion, but still...it happens. Or I think people are busy, or they don't need to hear what I say.

So - I feel like a lot of people don't get to know the real me. Being shy isn't always about "not talking" to others. Sometimes it is about not being able to show who you really are, although showing that often comes through conversation. I bet there are a lot of people in the world who would be surprised to know that I once went alligator hunting on the Amazon River (nor do they know when I have an exciting opportunity, I'm not gonna pass it up!) I know most people never guess that I was (and will always be!) a drum girl. I could carry and play those drums as loud and proud as almost anyone. (I always said that's how I yelled.) Most people don't know that I've traveled around the world to seven countries. No one would ever guess that I enjoy singing in public places (especially church) and that I actually like speaking in groups (like sharing at faculty meetings/trainings.) And....well, there are lots of other things.

Though I've come a long way since my pre-adult years, I still feel like people think I'm "weird" or when they see me at work, because I'm a little afraid to talk to them. Maybe I just need to get over that and start talking to people. Sounds pretty simple, huh?

I think I am bold in different ways than other people. I take risks. I try to show my faith in what I do and say everyday, and love and serve others. I write...a lot. I sing. I drum. I teach in front of some of the toughest, sometimes very honest (like yesterday!) audiences...kids!

Oh, I don't know. Shy. Who me?

Confession(s)...

1 - I am at Panera right now...because it is easier for me to read and study in an atmosphere that is not home.

2- This is sometimes problematic because I take my computer to work on school assignments...and wind up blogging or facebooking. (However, I have begun to practice more self control and limit myself to 5-10 minute breaks in between reading/posting, so that I can continue to study...)

3- I came here intending to buy a small drink and a bagel so I wouldn't feel guilty about studying here and not being a customer...but I waited so long to come (after school, a long meeting, and then my Weight Watchers meeting) that I was hungry and had no dinner, thus giving in and buying dinner and spending way too much money. *sigh*

4- I have jumped back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon, and after not weighing in for a little over two months (our at-work group I was part of was cancelled, and I've been waiting until I could afford to pay the monthly fee and join our community one...) I started tracking again this week. Which means....my dinner was probably more points than I meant for it to be. (By the way - I am actually -0.6 lbs lighter than I was when I did weigh in at the end of November, which means I maintained all that time, which is a really good thing!)

5- I'm ok with that because it was delicious! And warm...and really only half a sandwich and a small cup of soup - plus I actually left a tiny bit of lettuce on the sandwich which made it healthier, right? ha

6- I am learning some hard God-lessons lately. And always. Which is also a good thing, because when should we not be challenged and growing in our faith? But good does not mean easy. Or fun. Or that everything feels "ok" all the time.

7- It's ok to say everything is "not ok." In fact, as my wise sister told me, sometimes that is what being strong means....admitting that everything is not ok. It has been hard lately - finding out about my dad's surgery, waiting to hear how things are going, not having my parents close by, feeling inadequate at teaching, not "fitting in" with other people my age (and not being able to find many people my age to fit in with...), and...well I'm sorry to say I've been making quite a list lately. (I will say that I am so blessed, and I am thankful for all I do have, but I'm being honest here too...)

8- I have been struggling with loneliness. Last year was the worst - I drove every day from home to work and did not really have friends there. This year God blessed me with an amazing roommate (a friend from college), an apartment in the community where I teach, and a few new co-worker friends at school. I am grateful for this. Don't get me wrong. But - being lonely still happens. I often wonder if I will ever find a relationship and companionship with a husband. Not that I'm hoping to settle down right now or anything, but I wouldn't be opposed to finding someone to date or spend more time with...ha... I get tired of hearing, "in God's timing..." which I know is the truth. I am SO thankful for the perfect plan God already has for my life and for the man it will one day include. But again, I'm being honest today. That's why it's called "confessions..." and not "cover-ups" or something like that...ha

9- I will probably drink way too much diet soda while I'm here and not finish posting for my class.

10- I'm learning sometimes having different standards than others in the world means being a little lonely. Sometimes I feel thankful for that if it means I'm able to show my faith in a bold and confident, yet not "pushy" or "flashy" way. But it's not always fun.

11- I don't know what I was thinking signing up for two graduate classes this semester while I teach. Actually I do. I was thinking my college loans are being deferred because I'm "half-time" status, and I can pay for graduate school as I go. I was thinking about how good it will feel in May when I have three courses complete and don't owe any money for them! And I am still thinking - I can do this - I just have to have discipline! It is all really interesting and applicable information, and the most exciting thing is waiting to see how God will use this certification/degree someday! I have no idea...but He does! So - I'm throwing off that "I can't" attitude and pushing forward.

12- I'm a list maker. So - I could keep typing here forever. Because I really hate to end on a number like 12. But...that's all the confessions for today!

I read this verse this morning. It's one I've known forever and I'm sure many of you do too, but - I needed to hear it again.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Also, if my life had a theme song right now, this would hit it on the head. I've been listening to it since Fall, and it is one of my favorites! Especially the "I will wait on you...you are my refuge..." part. Waiting is hard. HARD. I know everyone is always waiting on something, but honestly - I feel like that has been the theme of my life especially in the last two years. God must be trying to teach me something, or a lot of somethings!...(and I'm not the most patient person when it comes to that!) The most exciting thing to me is that, even after posting my "confession(s)" and being honest God is here. He is faithful. He is strong. He is bigger than anything I can imagine, and He is taking care of me! God desires for us, His children to be honest with Him. He knows our hearts, and He understands our pain, weaknesses, and challenges. He also has a perfect plan. And it's in THAT hope, that I rest...even on the tough days...(or maybe weeks...)

I hope this encourages you...

Caught in the Whirlwind...

I haven't gotten lost. I'm still here, and as usual when I disappear for awhile, I'm still enjoying reading everyone else's blogs...but somehow can't find the time/motivation to catch up on my own. I have so many ideas floating in my mind and things to write about and remember, but I'll get caught up one day!

For now - I'm in the middle of a whirlwind of the new semester of teaching music, taking two graduate classes at the same time (with lots more reading, posting, and homework required than my first course last semester), and dealing with the challenge of being far away from family in a hard time. My dad had his open-heart surgery, by the way, and it went as well as possible. He is still in the hospital, but he is doing well...just a long road of recovery ahead. I was so humbled and thankful for all the prayers going out for our family, all around the world! God is good all the time!

And, I would like to share about an awesome thing God did recently (that He has been working through this entire year), but I can't really post about it publicly right now. All I can say is that I always seem to doubt God's bigness...and say that I "believe" he can do something...but still not quite all the way believe it. And now - He is showing me just how big He is. (DUH, right? You'd think I'd learn by now...*sigh*) I am thankful for the way He is using me in this situation and pray I will stand strong as an encouragement and example in my faith.

Have a blessed and joyful week!

I Lift My Hands

This song has also been on my heart and mind this week...

Peace Beyond Understanding

In the Bible, God promises that if we bring our needs to God, He will not only meet them - he will provide peace beyond all understanding. And this week has been one of experiencing that peace. Peace that I can't explain - I can only give glory to God for providing.

Last week we found out that my dad had some blockage in his heart. The doctors had been doing a series of tests since he had some chest pains/a possible minor heart attack in December, and finally the results showed a need for surgery. Thankfully they determined there was no heart attack earlier because his muscle was not damaged at all. They initially thought he would only need some stints put in, which is  a little scary, but very common. However, another appointment yesterday showed that serious surgery would be required, and needed to be done immediately. My parents are living in Germany right now and would not be able to make it to the U.S. for this. We all continued to pray.

Yesterday, my dad was admitted to the hospital there to have full open-heart surgery, with a possibility of 5 bypasses needed. And we prayed again.

It was so hard, having them on the other side of the world. But God said - "I've got this..." It was very hard knowing everything was out of my control. And again, God said, "It's in my hands." I began praying even more. And when I wanted to cry and feel worried, I turned to my Bible. These are the words that came to mind...words that I read over and over again and continue to hold in my heart right now.

"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all that He has done. Then you will experience God's peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

Some people think that being a Christian means nothing "hard" or "sad" or "bad" should ever happen in your life. Some people give up when it does. I know, even though it is easier to say sometimes than to believe - that God is the reason I have hope in these situations. Without His presence, I couldn't have made it through teaching my kids at school all day today. I couldn't have waited to hear from my mom who didn't have the ability to communicate from the hospital. I couldn't have felt ok knowing she was waiting alone. But I was able to do all those things...because I had faith that I have a God so big and so omnipresent - He was there and He was here. My mom wasn't alone.

I praise God that my dad did make it through the surgery well. It took almost nine hours, and he had four by-passes. I praise God that He provided the doctors and quality medical care for my dad in Germany with swift timing. And I praise God that the doctors were capable of performing the surgery - because He guided their hands.

I am so humbled by the many people praying for our family from near and far - family, friends...and strangers! Again, God had his hand in the support, encouragement, and comfort of prayer and intercession, and I can't thank everyone enough.

Please continue to pray for my dad as he heals - he will be in the hospital at least 10 days, but will also have a long road ahead after that time. He and my mom will need to decide if they are able to stay in Germany for the full three years also.

Here is one more way God provided comfort to me this week - Yesterday when I opened my desk calendar to the new date, it said this:

"What should we do when anxiety strikes? First and foremost, we must ask God to give us His peace and His truth. Very specifically, we must ask God to deal with the problems that are filling both our conscious and subconscious minds. This is not something we do just once. It is something we may have to do many times throughout the day. We must ask the Lord to help us focus all of our thoughts and energy on the immediate situation at hand." 

"The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 2 Chronicles 16:9

I am thankful for a God who is faithful and provides refuge, strength, and hope...in all circumstances.

***Update***
My dad is off the ventilator and breathing on his own! He said a few sentences to my mom on the phone while she was at home! :) (Tuesday late night our time, early morning their time - 7 hour difference)

"Forever" Friends...

I love it that God provides friends through the many times and places of my life. Many I stay in touch with and some are the kind I may only contact once a year, but it's always good to talk with them/catch up where we left off. However, some are the kind that you just know in your heart will be "forever" friends.

When I met this friend in Jr. High, I was a shy, introverted, scared to approach the world, awkward, quiet seventh grader. (Weren't we all a little awkward at that age though? haha) I knew her from church and a little from school, but we'd never actually "hung out" before. Then her mom invited me over the summer before eighth grade. She still tells me now that when they came to pick me up that day I would not say a word to them...it was like pulling teeth to make conversation! lol Little did she know I would end up being the super hyper, loud, silly, sleeping over, sugar-packet-eating-on-vacation, funny, and oh, did I say loud?, "adopted" daughter.

And if her hunch about us being friends despite my initial silent, awkward, shy, quiet, period wasn't enough to convince everyone, the fact that this friend and I were called into the hallway by our eighth grade social studies teacher to discuss our "squirrelly" behavior and a reminder to "watch our p's and q's" should have been. We were not the trouble making type, yet that day was definitely the beginning of a fun friendship!

So it continued. Through high school...with speech/debate team, various clubs, homework, dances, double dates, school plays, boy and friend drama, plus everything else that comes with high school...all the way through college in two separate states and even one semester on separate continents.

Imagine our surprise when God brought this friend back to our hometown the semester before I graduated college, then opened a teaching job for me in a town 30 minutes away...and even after she met another best friend - and they were married last year - I had the privilege of being maid of honor!

Now here we are - still talking, laughing, crying, confiding in, praying for, and being blessed together...by a lifelong "forever" friendship God has provided. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. We had the best two-hour conversation at dinner tonight, talking, laughing, and talking some more...and it seemed like no time had passed at all. We might have even giggled a little like Jr. High girls! :)

I think...no, I know - that is what a "forever" friendship feels like! I know that one day we may not live so close. And one day, like my friend, I may have another best friend to spend my life with, but we will always be friends. And I am thankful God has provided that in our lives!

Today...

Today...

Was one of those days when everything just felt crazy and out of sorts. And I guess I just want to remember some days are like this, so I'm going to post today.

It was Wednesday at school - and this is the day we have a short schedule, so everything goes super fast. I just felt like there wasn't time to do anything between classes. I had some good lessons, and I had some very less than par lessons where I felt like I was just making it through.

My iPod stopped working yesterday. I know it is just a "thing," but I feel really bummed because this is the first one I've ever had, and I didn't even buy it new. I bought it from my cousin last year when she got a new one, and I have used it a lot since then, especially for the Couch to 5K running program I just started...which kind of puts a damper on the ability to listen to the podcasts and run...I'm determined to keep going, though. It is not a necessity, nor something I can afford to replace for right now, so I will just go back to life without it.

It was weigh and measure day for me at Curves, and the scale showed 3lbs more than my scale at home did yesterday.

I missed my mom and dad who are in Germany...a lot.

I felt worried and anxious about my classes coming up and whether or not I'll be able to meet all the requirements, especially while I"m teaching at the same time.

I had those negative self-thoughts that I have to work so hard to replace with truth and love from Scripture and the amazing God who created me to be who I am.

It was one of those days where I wonder if I'll ever find someone who "likes" me (I know that's so Jr. High sounding...lol) and someone who has the desire to date, be married, and have a family one day too.  And though I know "God is all I need" and I "should love Him most, now and always..." I realized I am still human, and sometimes those views are just annoying. (Yes, I'm being honest, and I think it's ok to feel a little bitter sometimes, as long as I know I'm being honest with God and as long as I give those bitter feelings over to Him.) It's ok to long for the future while being thankful for what I have now.

But...

It was also a day where I knew with all my heart that God is walking by my side, and His plans for me are great.

I knew He has provided this time in my life to go back to school, and to worry and have anxiety is to doubt His plan for me and His faithfulness.

It was a day when I knew my mom and dad will be home eventually, and I felt glad they are able to have an adventure overseas at this time in their life.

Today was a day when I got to laugh...multiple times. I was thankful for so many co-workers and friends who care about me, and about the kids we work with. I enjoyed conversation and laughs with a good friend throughout the day.

I knew I would continue to exercise and take care of myself, and was thankful God gave me a body that works and allows me to do this. I am so thankful to have a healthy heart, arms, legs, and lungs. I knew that if I hadn't been exercising at all, I would be at the starting point I came from two years ago, weight and health-wise.

Tonight was a night when I had some extra time, and a free drink to redeem at Panera, so I took a few hours to come here and sit, read, blog, and enjoy "me" time. I love those kind of spontaneous evenings.

I thought about how much I care for my kids at school and enjoyed their hugs and compliments they gave me today. "Miss W, you look pretty in the color brown," and "Miss W, I like your singing voice." :)

So - I'm human. (Surprise? haha) And we all have those days. And even though I honestly didn't want to spend time thinking about the positive things I just said, because it was much easier to dwell on the first things, I am asking God for the help to focus on His presence and provision. And I'm so thankful I have His hope and promises to fall back on every day, especially on days like today!

"I will praise you Lord, with all my heart. I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High. The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord do not abandon those who search for you." 
-Psalm 9:1-2, 9-10

God's Work...

This is about 11 minutes long, but it is so worth watching. I saw it on a friend's facebook today and had to repost. God truly does love us...and He wants us to be His masterpiece...if we are willing to be.

Confessions of a Not so Normal Musician/Music Teacher...

Ok - I'm gonna go out on a limb here and "stereotype" for a minute...but it's about my "own kind," so I guess it's semi-legal.

A lot of musicians have "complexes."

There. I said it. Maybe it has something to do with always striving to be better at their instrument or vocal skills. Maybe it is because the world of professional music can be so highly competitive, and obviously everyone can't be "the best." And then, sometimes maybe it is just the personality of the musician. I'm not sure.

I just know that...I must be different. I have enjoyed singing for all of my life and began playing percussion in fifth grade, continuing all the way through college. I love, love, love that too. Of course I have the desire to practice and be better...but not obsessively so. I think for me it was always just another one of the many interests I had, and the one I chose as a career choice to go with teaching. I'm not obsessed with sounding the best, being better than others around me, or knowing the most. I just....enjoy music.

So - when I hear other music teachers talking about "how they do things," or "how they can do it better than a presenter..." etc...I honestly just take it in stride and know I'm not an expert. That's not my goal, really. I mean, yes - it is always my goal to learn more and do my best - to be the best music teacher my kids can have. But I don't let "being the expert who knows more than all the other experts" stress me out. I also feel a little odd when other teachers/colleagues listen to a piece of music or a performance and analyze/criticize it. When I listen to a piece of music, I don't analyze every second, listen for mistakes, and talk about how I could have done a better job or what I could do to fix it for that person/group. I just...listen. And I enjoy it. I can hear simple mistakes, and that's ok. I might prefer one group/performer over another based on quality, etc. But - it's not the drive/passion behind what I do. It's like watching a movie...you can question every moment and talk about what is going to happen next and think hard to figure it out...or you can just watch and find out at the end. I'm more of a "find out at the end" and "enjoy the movie" kind of person.

I guess my passion/drive is in how I teach my kids. I want them to enjoy music. I want them to know how to sing/play in the best way they can, but I don't expect perfection. When we give a performance, I want them to do their best, and I hope for it to be as organized and well-presented as possible, but I also want it to be fun and memorable. I'm not into the "high stress/demand" part of my career.

So...there's my confession for the day. I am not your "typical" musician. And I'm ok with that. :)

Quiet Encouragement...

For as long as I can remember I have loved writing notes to people. I'm sure I loved it as a child, but I remember the passion for it kind of starting in high school and then really growing in college. Well, actually, even when there's not time to write a card, I love to surprise people with e-mails too. It just makes my day! I also love getting notes. I have a BIG box of cards/encouragement notes people have written to me over the years, and I love to go back and read them. There's just something about even the shortest hand-written note that is so special to me.

I've missed writing over the past couple of years. I just haven't made it a priority. But - I have a new goal for the rest of the school year! I'm going to "quietly encourage" as many teachers/staff as I can with short, unexpected notes. And I found the perfect thing at Hobby Lobby to help me get started over the Christmas vacation. This year our school theme is "Safari." When I saw these cards, I knew I had to have them!

Plus, they were 1/2 off that week! What better bargain and motivation to get started?! The inside is blank and perfect for writing whatever words God puts on my heart. I sent three last week, and I can't wait to write some more this week and stick them in the teacher/staff mailboxes. I love, love, love encouraging others as much as I can, and I hope this will be just a small blessing and a way to spread the joy that God has put in my heart to others in my school building!