Confession(s)...

1 - I am at Panera right now...because it is easier for me to read and study in an atmosphere that is not home.

2- This is sometimes problematic because I take my computer to work on school assignments...and wind up blogging or facebooking. (However, I have begun to practice more self control and limit myself to 5-10 minute breaks in between reading/posting, so that I can continue to study...)

3- I came here intending to buy a small drink and a bagel so I wouldn't feel guilty about studying here and not being a customer...but I waited so long to come (after school, a long meeting, and then my Weight Watchers meeting) that I was hungry and had no dinner, thus giving in and buying dinner and spending way too much money. *sigh*

4- I have jumped back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon, and after not weighing in for a little over two months (our at-work group I was part of was cancelled, and I've been waiting until I could afford to pay the monthly fee and join our community one...) I started tracking again this week. Which means....my dinner was probably more points than I meant for it to be. (By the way - I am actually -0.6 lbs lighter than I was when I did weigh in at the end of November, which means I maintained all that time, which is a really good thing!)

5- I'm ok with that because it was delicious! And warm...and really only half a sandwich and a small cup of soup - plus I actually left a tiny bit of lettuce on the sandwich which made it healthier, right? ha

6- I am learning some hard God-lessons lately. And always. Which is also a good thing, because when should we not be challenged and growing in our faith? But good does not mean easy. Or fun. Or that everything feels "ok" all the time.

7- It's ok to say everything is "not ok." In fact, as my wise sister told me, sometimes that is what being strong means....admitting that everything is not ok. It has been hard lately - finding out about my dad's surgery, waiting to hear how things are going, not having my parents close by, feeling inadequate at teaching, not "fitting in" with other people my age (and not being able to find many people my age to fit in with...), and...well I'm sorry to say I've been making quite a list lately. (I will say that I am so blessed, and I am thankful for all I do have, but I'm being honest here too...)

8- I have been struggling with loneliness. Last year was the worst - I drove every day from home to work and did not really have friends there. This year God blessed me with an amazing roommate (a friend from college), an apartment in the community where I teach, and a few new co-worker friends at school. I am grateful for this. Don't get me wrong. But - being lonely still happens. I often wonder if I will ever find a relationship and companionship with a husband. Not that I'm hoping to settle down right now or anything, but I wouldn't be opposed to finding someone to date or spend more time with...ha... I get tired of hearing, "in God's timing..." which I know is the truth. I am SO thankful for the perfect plan God already has for my life and for the man it will one day include. But again, I'm being honest today. That's why it's called "confessions..." and not "cover-ups" or something like that...ha

9- I will probably drink way too much diet soda while I'm here and not finish posting for my class.

10- I'm learning sometimes having different standards than others in the world means being a little lonely. Sometimes I feel thankful for that if it means I'm able to show my faith in a bold and confident, yet not "pushy" or "flashy" way. But it's not always fun.

11- I don't know what I was thinking signing up for two graduate classes this semester while I teach. Actually I do. I was thinking my college loans are being deferred because I'm "half-time" status, and I can pay for graduate school as I go. I was thinking about how good it will feel in May when I have three courses complete and don't owe any money for them! And I am still thinking - I can do this - I just have to have discipline! It is all really interesting and applicable information, and the most exciting thing is waiting to see how God will use this certification/degree someday! I have no idea...but He does! So - I'm throwing off that "I can't" attitude and pushing forward.

12- I'm a list maker. So - I could keep typing here forever. Because I really hate to end on a number like 12. But...that's all the confessions for today!

I read this verse this morning. It's one I've known forever and I'm sure many of you do too, but - I needed to hear it again.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Also, if my life had a theme song right now, this would hit it on the head. I've been listening to it since Fall, and it is one of my favorites! Especially the "I will wait on you...you are my refuge..." part. Waiting is hard. HARD. I know everyone is always waiting on something, but honestly - I feel like that has been the theme of my life especially in the last two years. God must be trying to teach me something, or a lot of somethings!...(and I'm not the most patient person when it comes to that!) The most exciting thing to me is that, even after posting my "confession(s)" and being honest God is here. He is faithful. He is strong. He is bigger than anything I can imagine, and He is taking care of me! God desires for us, His children to be honest with Him. He knows our hearts, and He understands our pain, weaknesses, and challenges. He also has a perfect plan. And it's in THAT hope, that I rest...even on the tough days...(or maybe weeks...)

I hope this encourages you...