Saturday, May 22, 2010

I STILL get butterflies in my stomach. Still. In that fluttery, nervous, happy kind of way.
I wish that I could elaborate on that statement or tell WHY I get butterflies. But...maybe one day. For right now, I guess I'll just let 'em keep flying.

Today was a good Saturday. It was the first official day of summer vacation. I like how being a teacher means an official and designated "long summer vacation" each year at this time. I spent the day with a new group of friends. I exercise at Curve's for Women, and really enjoy my time there. The ladies are so encouraging and fun to be around, and the time goes by quickly. One of the ladies who works there decided to organize a Girls' Day Out, and some of us went today to the Lake of the Ozarks for a day of shopping at the outlet mall and lunch. (Ok, even some ice cream was involved at the end, but at least that will get us all back to Curves on Monday, right?!) Anyway - it was a beautiful day, and a fun time meeting new friends and spending time with them shopping and talking!

Friday was the last day of school. It felt like everything kind of just came to a screeching halt. Not like there was really a good closure, or like I completed something, or achieved something like last year. This time last year I was celebrating the survival of my first year. I truly felt accomplished and ready to face the next year when it came. This year I just felt...weird. God has really taught me about patience, trust, and waiting on Him over the past 6 weeks as I wondered just where I would be next year. Even Wednesday after our last staff meeting I felt so overwhelmed that I finally cried. Just let the tears burst out and cried on our art teacher's shoulder. And I'm so thankful that she was there to give me her shoulder. We had talked about packing everything and labeling it all so specifically for certain building destinations, but I still had no idea where my stuff was all going. So...I did the only thing I knew to do. I cried. (Most people told me it was long overdue. I've been trying so hard to stay positive, but realized that sometimes there is a difference in staying positive and allowing yourself to feel disappointed/overwhelmed and trying to stay so positive that you don't feel anything.) I guess I am human after all, just in case we needed confirmation about that!

So - Thursday afternoon the fine arts coordinator from our district came to me and let me know - I will e teaching third grade music for half a day at our off-post 3-6 elementary school (which I am really excited about) and half a day of guitar at the high school. "I didn't know you played the guitar..." If you just thought that, no worries - because I DON'T play the guitar. But I WILL. At least well enough to teach a beginner level elective course to 60ish high school students in the fall. Ummm yes, I also said high school. I will be doing a lot of praying about relying on God and being an effective teacher at the high school level over the summer if you'd like to join me. (He knows what He is doing, He knows what He is doing, He knows what He is doing....)

I also have been a little prideful. I admit that I was disappointed when I found out I'd be teaching high school and doing all music instead of half time with something different like ESL or Speech Path. But then I realized that those things had been "my plan" and this was so off the wall, it has to be His plan. Which means I will have to rely on Him even more. I guess I thought that as soon as I found out I would feel relieved, excited, etc...and thank God for giving me peace through this time, then move on. I like to "handle things on my own..." a lot, as is human nature for many of us. But - that is not what God wants or expects. He wants me to seek Him EVERY day in ALL I do...and yes He has given me peace through this time and provided a job, and I am blessed...but I will also continue to seek what I am supposed to learn through this time, and how He can use me in an area that is so outside my comfort zone. And when I think about it that way I'm a little excited. A good friend told me today, maybe THIS is part of my preparation for future ministry, whether it is here or overseas. Maybe I am going to be dealing with people I am not comfortable with and finding ways to communicate with them and reach them. Maybe that will be so outside my comfort zone that teaching high school will seem like a minor detail in comparison and an amazing preparation. Of course it doesn't make sense to me. But when do we ever understand God's plans before they happen? That's why He makes them fall into place and we don't.

So - Here I am Lord. Yours. Ready. Available. Excited. Nervous. Challenged. And moving outside my comfort zone. You can do it. And I can do it with your strength, and only with your strength. I love you!

P.S....Could you help the butterflies slow down a little, please? You're in charge of that part of my life too, and I am thankful for the peace and redirected focus you've already provided there, but I'm still human...

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