Monday, December 6, 2010


I'll be honest. It's been hard to write anything over the past week because it's been a tough one. Sometimes I get so caught up in me. It's hard to find that balance of when it's ok to feel a little down, and when it's time to turn the focus off of me and onto something or someone else. I didn't want to write an all-negative post, or seem down. I kept opening this page, hoping words would come out...then closing it, every day.

I have been feeling really lonely lately. Not necessarily lonely in the sense that I'm longing for a couple's relationship, although my heart does desire that very much, but just...alone. I know that God is here, and He is my Comforter, yet when I most need to be in His presence, it is harder for me to seek Him. I read a short passage in a book this weekend as I was browsing at Barnes and Noble, and it asked - when is it hardest for you to trust God? When a big crisis hits, or in the everyday moments of life? I would say the every day moments...hands down. While I have never experienced what I would consider a major crisis in my life, I do feel as though I fail to ask God to be with me EVERY day, helping me have wisdom, and walk in His will for me. A relationship takes work. And it's important to work at a relationship every day.

I've been reading a Psalm each day along with whatever else I read, and mostly, my perspective has been so narrow in that, I see the Psalms of praise and rejoice with the author as He shares. Then I read some about enemies and challenges and feel as though I am "skimming" because those things aren't as...applicable. One thing I have always admired about the Psalms is how they can be so full of praise, yet so honest at the same time when crying out to God. A friend recently told me to remember the Psalms as I think and pray through the challenging days I'm facing right now. She said to take note of how honest the writer is as he cries out to God, sometimes in anger, sometimes in fear, sometimes in sadness...amidst the praises He also brings. She told me to be honest with God. She told me to verbalize my frustrations and anger and sadness.

We all have things going on in life. Yes God created us and knew us even before we were born. Yes He knows the challenges we face and the joys we experience. Yet He still wants us to bring those things to Him. To put them at His feet and seek His comfort. To tell Him we're angry like we would tell a close friend. To cry tears of frustration. But at the end of all of those things, He asks for our trust. For our faith. For our remembrance of times in the past where He was faithful to provide and comfort.

I'm good at remembering joyous times in my life. Counting blessings. Praising God for his provision and peace. I'm quick to share those with others around me. But why is it so hard to be honest with Him? Why can I share those frustrated feelings and cry with a friend here on this Earth, when it is so hard to share them with my Creator? I don't really have an answer. I'm still learning...

1 comment:

  1. I understand this post, A LOT. This was like how my 20th year was. Lonely is the perfect way to describe it, but it took me several months to realize what my void was. It was just lack of relationships or too much me. I filled the void - or tried - with food (horrible binging, leads to more isolation and purging, bad choice!), attending back to back church services and journaling at coffee shops (very helpful), lots of loud friends (not helpful, just acquaintences), reckless dating (not helpful, not even kind of. Makes good stories about the weirdos now), and watching some really good movies. I recommend Sense and Sensibility. It was very soothing to me when I felt that restless feeling.

    I will think about you a lot and say a prayer for you to gather more direction in your life!